Help! I can't get on my intarweb!

So I got a new job at a call centre doing tech support for a large internet service provider in the US, and today was my first full day of calls. As a whole it was much, much less painful than I had expected, but the level of ignorance from some of the people I talked to was amazing. One lady yelled at me for a good half an hour that she couldn't get online, but refused to plug her modem into her computer. Someone else was certain that his monitor was the computer, and his computer was the modem, even after I explained otherwise repeatedly. Lots of people complained that they were getting porn spam in their inbox, but have never-ever-ever-never-ever-nerver-erver-ever gone to a porn site, or have even seen a boob in their entire lives so-help-me-jesus. I'm sorry sir but "My wife is gonna yell at me." is not a problem I can troubleshoot from here. Unfortunately I didn't get to instruct anyone on how to pack up their computer and return it to the store yet, but I don't think it will take me long.

-AC